I solemnly Swear I'm up to No Good!
by embirsiphonelilathia
Summary: Random one-shots that may end up slightly pervy to vent sexual frustrations from planning my time travels stories :P Hermione is back in the time of the Marauders, interacting with the school as a Muggleborn stuck in Slytherin house.
1. Reddi Whip

A/N: I just wrote this and another piece up. These are one shots I'm going to tell about Hermione and The Marauders. This ended up being unintentionally perverted and I'm a bit embarrassed by that. I'd like to apologise for being gone for so long. I've been starting to feel the urge to be creative again. A lot of stuff has just been going on in my life and I won't list everything because that's silly. I'm going to try and start updating again. I never stopped thinking about my stories, I've just been uninspired. Anyways I hope you enjoy this and please excuse any mistakes.

Disclaimer: I hold no rights to Harry Potter or Reddi Whip.

He shouldn't have been surprised to see her when he snuck into the kitchen that night. She hadn't been at meals in almost 3 weeks. Her and Snape had fought and the Slytherin muggleborn looked ridiculously lonely, just sitting there surrounded by dirty plates of what she ate for dinner. When she glanced in his direction and just stared at him, he felt a shiver go down his spine. Did she know he was there, hiding under his cloak? He let it cloak fall and gave her a cheeky smile and a nod.

"Granger."

"Potter." Her voice was soft and warm, Not a girlish whisper, but a voice that was smooth like honey. She was one of the nicest girls he'd ever met and it baffled him that she was in Slytherin at all.

She cleared her plates and placed them in the sink, casting a spell that set them to washing on their own. Her task finished she sat back down to piece of Pumpkin pie. He grinned, she had a huge appetite for a girl so incredibly tiny. He found an elf, asking it to round up some treats for him and his mates. The little elf rushed off and he heard a quiet 'hmph' behind him. With a sigh he turned, glancing at the small girl at the bench, shaking an odd red and white cylinder as she scowled at him.

With a brow raised in arrogance, he asked, "Yes?"

"You could say please you know, it's bad enough they're forced to work! You could at least be appreciative of their efforts." Her voice was firm and a bit snotty and he snorted in disbelief.

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"Because you bloody prat, at your manor and here at Hogwarts they wash your clothes, clean your room, cook your meals and clean up after your messes around the castle when Filch can't figure it out. Especially you bloody Marauders, the messes you've blokes have made are absolutely absurd sometimes." She ground out, her teeth clenched. Granger ended her sentence by popping off the lid on the cylinder and pressing on the nozzle, swirling white stuff around on top of her pie.

"No they don't Granger. Well except maybe the laundry but that's only because last time I tried I set my mum's favorite dress on fire." He walked over and slouched gracefully onto the bench, leaning forward on his elbows, looking at the small Slytherin with a grin. "I clean up after myself and I scrub cauldrons in detention often enough that I think I clean up my fair share, at home mum makes me clean my room and we cook meals every day. Our elves mostly keep inventory for us and work in the grounds, they love it."

He watched with a small thrill of glee as her cheeks turned pinker and pinker as he spoke. She looked like a tiny angry pixie.

She took a deep breath, breathing out slowly and his hormonal eyes zeroed in on her heaving breasts. "Oi! Eyes up you great lecher."

He glanced sheepishly up to her face and cleared his throat, "Sorry."

"Mhm" She murmured, "I'm sure you are."

Then she sighed and leaned forward, leaning on her palm as she shook the can again. "Sorry, I shouldn't have been so judgmental. I just feel so angry when I think about how brainwashed those poor elves are. I get defensive about it sometimes."

He watched in fascination as she leaned her head back slightly and held the can over her mouth, filling it with the same stuff she had topped her pie with. She closed her mouth and straightened out, cheeks puffed and eyes wide.

"Muh?" she asked, her body language screaming curiousity.

"What are you doing? And what is that?"

She gulped, "It's Reddi Whip, I smuggled some into school cause it's the best thing ever. You can put it on nearly any desert and it tastes great."

"Yes, I can read but what is it?" he asked, stressing his point.

"Oh. It's whip cream in an aerosol can, you shake it and then press the nozzle and it aerates the cream for you." She explained, looking at the can then at him. "Wanna try?"

"Try what?"

"Try what I just did, put as much as you can in your mouth and eat it."

He stared at her for a bit, looking her over. Her eyes were bright, the amber color dancing as she took the first bite of pie. Humming happily as she leaned forward and placed the canister in front of him, finishing off her bite.

"Go on." She gestures to the canister with her fork and he reaches for it, picking it up and shaking it just as she had.

"Shake it until the can feels tight then tilt your head back and spray it into your mouth." She continued to eat her pie, leaning over her plate and watching him under her lashes. He gave her an arrogant grin and enjoyed the pink flush that came to her cheeks.

"Are you trying to seduce me Granger?" He asked, winking cheekily.

She choked on her pie and began to pound a fist to her chest, he grabbed her cup of milk and passed it to her. Swiping it from his hand, she drank greedily and grimaced as she swallowed.

"Jerk." She spat as she wiped her mouth with her sleeve, setting the cup down.

He felt his ears heat terribly, he knew they were probably blazing red right now. He cleared his throat awkwardly and began to shake the can. When she finally grinned at him, he beamed back and then tilted his head back, doing as she said and then leaning down. The whip cream was incredibly cold and made him shudder and he smoothed it around in his mouth, trying to heat it up and prevent brain freeze. She was giggling at him as he pinched the bridge of his nose, his forehead resting on the hand dangling his glasses. Merlin, why did he have to be such show off?

"You alright James?" She snarked at him and he looked up at her, scowling playfully in her direction before he swallowed the whip cream, grimacing at the volume.

"Merlin, why on earth do you do that?" He asked, thinking her slightly crazy.

"Because it's fun," she sounded happy and seemed in a much cheerier mood than she was when he'd first come in. Knowing that he had been the one to cheer her up made his chest tighten for some strange reason. He didn't know why he'd feel this way with Granger, not when he felt like this around Evans every single day. Pretty, pretty Evans. His thought drifted off and he was jolted back to the real world when he felt a cold splat on his cheek.

He flushed and grinned at her, whipping his cheek. "Very mature for a prefect, Granger."

"Bite me, Potter." She snarked at him, grinning slightly as she finished off her pie.

"Oooo. Loved to Granger, come 'ere." He leaned forward and waggled his eyebrows at her. Grinning stupidly as his heart sped up, his chest tightening when she burst into laughter, the sound peeling out into the kitchens. It was one of the prettiest noises he'd ever heard.

She stood and whipped off her skirt, adjusting her robes and then smiling at him, giving a small wave as she flounced out of the kitchen, calling back a 'Sweet dreams!' as the portrait shut. He sat on the bench, the Reddi Whip can in hand, she'd left it there. Was he supposed to keep it? He shrugged and jumped slightly when an elf cleared it's throat beside him. He turned, eyes wide as he took in the elf, breathing out heavily. The elf held a large basket filled with muffins and cakes, all the things he'd asked for nicely placed and filled to the brim. He thought back to his conversation with Granger and smiled.

"Thanks mate, much appreciated." He stood and took the basket from the elf, placing the can with the treats and pulling the cloak around him, sneaking out of the kitchens and back to his dorm. Ready to tell Sirius everything that just happened.

_-So what did you think?_

_EDIT, Oh geez, the reviewers were sweet not to mention all the terrible typos! P.S. Chapter three will be Remus centric!_


	2. Potions Class

Sirius blamed James, it was all his bloody fault. Two days ago James had burst into the dorms, basket in hand and cloak over his arm. He'd told his tale of his 'midnight triste'(Thank you, moony!) with Granger, the awkward swot from Slytherin. He'd spent the rest of the time staring at the can in the basket, James hadn't offered to share with them or let them try out what the two of them had done in the kitchen. He wondered why, this was the type of thing James would have forced them to try at any other time but at this moment, he hadn't offered, in fact the boy had purposefully ignored it's presence as he passed out the treats. He watched as his friend leaned back against his head board and tilted his head, spraying the whip cream into his mouth and grinning dumbly, his cheeks puffed and mouth pressed tight.

'Idiot.' He snarked in his head before pulling his curtain, turning out the lights and leaning back, arms under his head and he thought about what had just happened. Was something shifting in his best mate?

Now though, he sat in potions, staring at Granger. She had to know he was because that was the only reason she could have for doing that with her wand as she took notes in class. She couldn't be that oblivious right? She had to know how big of an innuendo that whip cream trick was and James was a big virgin dummy and had no freaking clue but Granger was smart and tiny though she may be, she wasn't so innocent. He'd seen her sneaking around, but oddly had kept those moments to himself, not even telling James. He told himself it was because he didn't want to come off as creepy but the way his gut churned when he thought it, made it hard to believe.

It had started even before class had begun. Granger had sat, staring off into space, leaning her head on a fist, her curls bunching comically as she dangled her wand in her free hand. She often looked bored in class and given her track record of perfection he could understand why. Today she had a dreamy smile on her face and she was humming softly, her feet swinging, hitting lightly against the legs of her stool. She looked cute, the most girlish he'd ever seen her. Then she'd swung her wand and caught the very end between her teeth, chewing on it lightly. He raised a brow at her careless action before but then he'd noticed how her lips were parted softly and she spun the wand in her fingers, keeping it tight between her front teeth. He darted his eyes away and caught sight Snape sitting next to her, the other boy was just as riveted by the girls mouth as he had been. Though the Slytherin boy looked slightly strangled and distressed. 'Poor old, snivellous, forever the virgin.' He snickered and glanced back at Granger, her wand tapping against her temple as she leaned on her hand. His eyes fell back to her mouth, her tongue peeking out between her teeth. Why did he think her teeth were cute? Can teeth even be cute? Was he going insane? This was all James' bloody fault. Bastard.

He heard Snape clear his throat and the girl jumped, his eyes refocusing to watch them both. Snape was scowling at the girl and she merely smiled at him, her face soft with affection. It turned his stomach thinking anyone could look at Snape that way, it definitely wasn't jealousy. Not at all, Sirius Black didn't get jealous.

"Hermione, your wand is not a chew toy." Snivellous snarked at the girl.

Granger merely grinned and shrugged, turning back to the front and proceeding to nibble on her wand again. Son of a bitch, he was so going to fail potions this year.


End file.
